"Where are your parents?"

"Where are your parents?"

Dear Amie,

Last week my husband and daughter were walking down our neighborhood street.  We are the only Native American family in our small neighborhood and my husband is obviously Native American but our daughter is light skinned and has very light colored hair.  Our daughter was walking a few steps ahead of her dad when one of our neighbors stepped out her front door and asked our daughter where her parents were – she startled our daughter who did not respond and my husband quickly told the lady “I am her dad.”  Our neighbor did not believe my husband and quickly asked our daughter again, “where are your parents?” This time my husband said with a more forceful tone, “I said I am her dad!” Our neighbor quickly went inside her home.  

My question is, why do people assume that when they see a minority man with a young child, especially one with lighter skin, they automatically think something is not right about the situation?

That is a great question. My guess is that your neighbor was as startled as  your husband by her own reaction. Montana is 94% white. As a result, most people have very limited contact with Native communities, black communities, Asian communities, or Latina communities. We are unaware of the wide range of skin tones within families -- even when both parents are, as in your case, Native.

In some ways, your husband's experience is similar to that of parents who adopt a child whose race differs from their own. Whether you are an adoptive or birth parent, it is incredibly painful to have your family bond discounted because of someone’s superficial assessment of whether or not you “go” together. Where your family's experience differs has to do with which member of the parent-child relationship is darker skinned. Most trans-racial adoptive parents are white with a non-white child. People might make remarks discounting your relationship to your child- but would not likely assume that you were a danger to your child.

Though we may not be consciously aware of it, many white people have more fear of men of color than they do of white men. This is reinforced throughout our culture, including entertainment (did anyone else notice how all the bad guys in the Lord of the Rings were dark skinned and/or Arab looking, and the good guys were classically Nordic?), news (it took me three readings of the article about the recent Holocaust Memorial shooting to get that the photograph on the front page was of the victim-not the suspect), and literature.

All of that misinformation creates a context for your neighbor’s reaction- a context that likely operated on an unconscious level. And, at the same time, your neighbor wasn’t only driven by unaware bias, but also for concern and care for your child. While this concern was misguided, it is something that can provide a foundation should you want to reach for a connection with her. I’m guessing both of you want to feel safe, comfortable, welcome and connected in your neighborhood. It isn’t any more your job to build a connection with her than it is her job, though you might be more able to take the first step than she. Perhaps next time you see her out, make a point to introduce yourselves…and thank her for looking out for your baby!