Racial slur trips up the mountain

Racial slur trips up the mountain

Dear Amie,

I was recently hiking up a peak in the Bitterroots in my Chaco sandals, when a fellow hiker asked me, “How are you going to get to the top in those Jap Flaps?”  I was stunned.  He was carrying a firearm, so I was hesitant to respond to his blatantly racist comment.  What would you have done, Amie?

Signed,

Active Alison, Missoula

As you know, there is no cookie cutter response to prejudicial comments. When I encounter situations like this, I try and do a quick internal assessment before opening my mouth. What am I noticing about the other person? Does his tone seem light and jovial- like he is trying to make a connection with me- or sharp and judgmental? Does he seem open to dialogue or not? And, what am I noticing about myself?  Do I feel safe in this moment? Am I feeling hot-tempered, or relatively relaxed and open? If I engage with him- what is my goal? If my goal is to make him feel like an idiot I should probably keep my mouth shut -- anything I say will escalate the situation. If my goal is to make him  understand what a stupid thing he just said was, I am likely to be disappointed. People change through generosity -- not criticism. On the other hand, if my goal is to better understand why a person said what they said,  I can approach them with genuine curiosity. I’m more likely to leave feeling like I succeeded -- at the very least in learning new insights about my fellow humans. 

It usually takes me just a moment for me to decide whether or not it will be safe and /or potentially productive to engage with someone. That decision has as much to do with me as it does with the other person. If it doesn’t feel safe or worth it- a simple “I’m sure I’ll make it,” will do. There’s nothing wrong with opting out of engaging when you don’t feel comfortable or up to it.

If, on the other hand, I feel like this was this guy’s best effort at making trailside conversation, and I feel open to engaging a bit, I would. I might joke, “what, you got a thing against Chaco’s?” and see where that goes. After building a bit of rapport -- weather, hiking, etc. -- I would probably come back to the language. “I haven’t heard that term before -- ‘Jap –flaps’ where does that come from?” The tricky part at this point is to stay in your curious mode and listen. Ask more questions. You know you’re successful if the person is staying non-defensive and talking -- even if they are saying more prejudicial things. Your goal is understanding -- for both of you. Through listening and non-judgmental questioning, we can help people understand why they say what they say, and sometimes they reevaluate their thinking in the process.  And, if you sense an opening to share something from your own experience, or offer a reframing of the topic, take it.

I got into a discussion about politics with I guy on a plane one time. “Anyone out there on welfare could get a job today if they wanted to.” “Wow,” I started, running through my internal questions before responding more, “Sounds like you’ve got some strong feelings about that.” “I do. My mom got pregnant with me when she was 16. My folks didn’t have a pot to piss in.  My dad worked two jobs to support our family.” “You must be proud of your folks,” I responded. “I am. They’ve been married 35 years and I hope to be half the man my father is.” He was staring to tear up. “You know,” I began, sensing an opening, “I know a lot of families who wish they could do just what your dad did. It sucks that a dollar doesn’t go as far as it did when your folks were raising their family.” He looked up and said, “I know that’s true. My wife’s best friend is a single-mom. She works full time, but she’s on welfare.” Through the course of our conversation his thinking evolved. Sometimes that happens. Our brains are built to learn.